Chapter 11

To talk about treatment it is necessary to describe before we prescribe. As we stated in a previous chapter, "If something walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck chances are it is a duck." The question is how does a duck walk, talk, and act? Also, it might be good to remember that though you may be able to teach a duck to walk differently. You might teach it to quack with an accent. You could train it to do swan-like strokes when it swims. It still remains a duck. Once a duck always a duck? Is that what I am saying? What could you do with a duck if you sent one to treatment?

What kind of treatment would it be? Would the objective be to change the duck into something else, or would it be to train the duck to be the best duck that it could be? The final question along this line is, how the hell did I get to talking about ducks anyway, I thought this book was about paranoia?

Lets get back to definitions. What do I mean when I say that I am an alcoholic or that I am paranoid? Does it follow that if I am one I am also the other? Did one condition cause the other? If so, which came first. Was it the F.B.I., Treasure dept., I.R.S., and the local police, or was it my paranoia following me around because of awkward or bad decisions I had made? Were not some of these decisions made because of my not maintaining strict sobriety? Maybe was it the reverse?

Despite anything else that goes on my mind will be in a better condition. Maybe a sober mind could figure out this mess. If I just don't drink or drug, I will not be drunk. Do I really want to live in the woods the rest of my life? Do I really want to be a hobo forever? Am I really an Acholic? These are some of the questions that I had to ask myself. What is an acholic anyway? Alcoholism is an allergy that causes a desire to drink. It tells me that I can do the same thing repeatedly and expect a different result. It is called a dis ease. Notice that I have separated the dis, and the ease. If we where at ease, chances are we might not have found it necessary to drink.

I've said enough about this if I said more it would be too easy for you to guess which alcoholic program that I ultimately ended. Above all, I feel compelled to respect the anonymity of that program. You will therefore have to find it yourself. I will not mention the program's name in this work. You don't need someone to shove this down your gizzard. If you need it you will pick up the yellow pages and call some numbers under alcoholism.

After the initial three intense weeks, in the R. E. A. P. program, I was transferred to a half way house. This is a where some meetings and counseling take place. Mostly, it is a protective space where a person can live in a drug and booze free environment. They stay there while pursuing work or looking for it. There was a time limit on how long that you had to look for a job before finding one.

Great hope and expectation where mine as I graduated from the R. E. A. P. (R. E. A. P. Stands for re-education and placement.) program into a half way house. The thought of again entering back into the main stream of society made me feel good. I was yet to realize the full extent of the damage that had occurred as results of everything that had gone on. My thinking was at first that it would be simple. First I would find a good job, to make the money that I would need to live well as a sober man. In treatment I was told that all I had to do was not drink and drug, and change everything about me.

The events of the last part of my drinking career, involving all those federal agents, had left me very paranoid indeed. The wreckage of my past is somewhat mind boggling. When I think about the Feds spending over 4 million dollars to invade the privacy of Sol and myself, it is very freighting. Part of the fright comes from realizing the big lie. I am talking about the lie we are taught in school. You remember the one about how we are protected by the constitution. We have rights. This is not real. When it comes to In practice there our government thinks that it can do anything that it wants to. It does, regardless of what is on the law books. The rights and freedom you think you have you don't exist. Chances are if you find out what I am saying here is true, there may not be much you can do about it.

How paranoid would you feel if an attorney showed you, nine volumes of legal size paper. These bound files or your FBI file. It is the results of the surveillance of federal agents? To compound this feeling, you know that they blatantly framed your best friend. Would you think that something in the system has gone wrong? What if they proceed to threatened you and all your friends and family? They promise to do to them what they are doing to you. They will give them the same treatment if you don't cooperate.

The last of these steps deal with what I can change, making amends to myself and others, and being in contact with God through prayer and meditation. It is not necessary to go further here with the details of this program as it is quite adequately outlined in the book that I mentioned earlier, known as the," Big Book,." If you feel that you need the details I would urge that you ask around until you find a copy of this and read it. Chances are, when you find your copy, there will be people around that you can ask questions to, if you need it explained. I don't want to make it too easy for you. If you are really serious about your recovery you will seek out recovering alcoholics and ask them about what I am telling you now. You got to want it enough to make some effort, or it will not work.

Much of the writing you are now reading is in my fourth step of recovery. The fourth step, deals with an inventory of my past. You do not have to write a book on your past to recover. I feel, however for me, it has helped. I do this to see what kind of events of my past, that I want to avoid happening again. I also want to be aware of feeling I would want to avoid. I have to be aware of what the consequences of my actions are. I wish to make amends to myself as well as others so that I can stay sober. If I don't respect myself, it is not likely that I can expect respect from anyone else. There are things that I want to put in this book, that I am tired of carrying around with me. The fear of the results of putting this stuff down frightens me. The fear or not doing this frightens me even more.

The initial treatment at the half way house, required certain house rules. They were, that one would remain sober, and get a job. It didn't matter what the job paid or if it were meaningful.

Many people were only able to find minimum wage jobs. These jobs wouldn't really support them after treatment. Not wanting to face such insecure circumstance, many would take the money saved and blow it on another drunk or a high. They just couldn't face the insecurity of the outside world. It would have been excellent if there had been some kind of in house jobs. Such jobs would have allowed people to have lived there as long as they needed to. They would never have to face the insecurity of the outside world. I believe eventually, they could have used such a job to secure themselves. They could have found meaningful employment. This would allowed them to live another way, than on the streets.

The events that followed, as results of my treatment, put me back on the streets again. The only difference now I was sober. I chose not to drink and drug again. The result of this choice, was life has actual got better. In spite of 6 years (at this writing) sobriety, I am still on the street.

The Job that I chose while in treatment was in car sales. It had a chance of making the kind of money that I thought was necessary to risk openly working. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. The guy that I chose as a boss, turned out to be a crook. He asked me to forge some car titles, and I refused. He got mad and fired me, and I didn't get another job in time not to be kicked out of the half way house. So it was back to hoboing again.

I was actually feeling better by feeling depressed. This was , because, in this case, to feel better, it was necessary to feel depressed. I didn't move up the scale of feelings by becoming depressed. I just moved up the scale of sensitivity. Something about this concept struck me as rather funny, when I first heard it.